Tip of the Month - September 2023
Teaching Respect
This article has been modified by Coach Schloder from the original source.
Respect is really a two-way street! No matter the age, whether parents or coaches have the capacity to help children in the learning process to ‘ask for respect’ and ‘to give respect.’ More and more younger children seem to display contempt and disrespect toward school or teammates, toward their personal coach or opposition coaches during games, toward referees, or when interacting in the general public, be it on the city or school bus or in a store. We are experiencing a general decline in behaviour, morality and ethics, displayed by criminal actions of teens looting stores, by the conduct by professional athletes, and fans in the stands during a recent NFL game! Researchers have stated that any action or dilemma in general society is usually reflected around 10% in sports activities.
I firmly believe that quality coaching is not only about producing top athletes in whatever sport but is also about helping to develop a quality human being. In these trying times, coaches need to become more involved in the aspect of teaching fair play, sports ethics and respect within their specific sports scene and the expectation of respect outside the sports domain in the public as a representative of the team or club.
There are small teachable moments, from household to training rules and post-competition discussions by the coach or in the car by parents to teach and model respect when discussing performance and behaviour. Many parents mistakenly think that setting rules like ‘respecting elders’ is enough when it comes to teaching children and teens about respect. That would be too simple!
But what exactly does “respect” mean, and what does it look like in the real world? As with many things in life, the best way to teach respect is by modeling the expected behavior rather than just talking about it… that goes for parents and coaches! I saw a swim coach once throw a chair in the water after his swimmer was disqualified and then “cuss out” the stroke judge. Parents in Junior hockey (14-16 years) are known for their temper tantrums against the opposition or Junior referees…which has led to a shortage of these referees! Family physician and TrueSport expert Deborah Gilboa, MD, recommends to identify the best times and opportunities to instill concepts of both “giving and asking for respect.” The process starts with the understanding the reason for teaching respect is not by “just by talking about it.”
Dr. Giboa offers the following suggestions:
Give Children Respect
As parents and coaches, it can be difficult to handle a child’s negative emotions. For instance, if the young athlete is upset about the outcome of the game or competition – maybe not being selected for the starting lineup or a relay team in swimming or athletics, feels to deserve more game time or the team placement – it can be tempting to try to ‘parent fix’ the situation by talking to the coach and asking for consideration. The coach may be ‘under fire’ to appease the parent but any decision has to be made with the backup of performance data. However, the ongoing event does not respect the child athlete: it actually shows that the parent or coach doesn’t believe the child is able to take care of him/herself. Instead, Dr. Gilboa suggests offering empathy. Listen to the child’s feelings on the subject, and perhaps even help to develop a plan to improve the situation, but avoid stepping (unless your athlete’s health or wellbeing is at risk, of course).
Athletes Need to Express Feelings
According to Dr. Gilboa, it is important to allow children and athletes to express their emotions and feelings. Parents and coaches often unintentionally disrespect this by telling them that their feelings are invalid or just ignoring them. This can be regarded as innocuous to “toughen up” or even be assumed to be a well-meaning “it’s not as bad as you think it is.” Allow them to have- and fully experience their feelings. Coaches need to create and establish a positive sports environment where athletes can speak freely, not feel intimidated or humiliated, or be afraid to speak up. However, rules and guidelines have to be set and bad behavior still has to have consequences. A frustrated athlete, angry with the performance at a game or competition might be yelling at the parent or the coach to express frustration. While this is a natural reaction and one should be able to express it, it shouldn’t be in a way that disrespects others in the process. Therefore, parents and coaches need to have a discussion with the child or athlete at the beginning of the season how to express or vent their feelings with behavior that still has limits and boundaries.
“Establish” Rules and “Abide” by them
The best way for a young person to learn about respect is derived from unexpected moments that provide the opportunity to be ‘both respectful and respected.’ This is more successful than setting broad guidelines. One of the best ways to teach respect is by having rules in the household (homework, bedroom cleaning, curfews, practice times, cell phone usage, etc.). Rules and expectations have to be set out clearly along with the specific consequences. Most importantly, “stick” to those consequences when rules are violated. Often, parents have vague concepts around what the rules of the house actually are, and their children may be unaware of the exact parameters, which can lead to confusion and inability to follow those rules. Equally, coaches need to set rules and expectations with subsequent … and with the consequences.
I actually implemented the “3 -strikes and You are out” rule, which I only had to apply once… AND with my best 14-year-old swimmer after he won 7 medals the weekend prior. I cried all the way home from practice BUT the team captain told me the next day that the entire group was waiting for my reaction… and stated that… if I had not followed through … they would have lost respect for me! It was a ‘soother’ for a tough act! (Coach Schloder)
Part of teaching respect to young children and athletes, whether it’s the cell phones at the table, weeknight curfew or training, the rule stands and still needs to be followed, even if they disagree with those rules. That means one has to establish reliable consequences, which are ‘important’, according to Dr. Gilboa. “Those consequences are the same for everyone, no exceptions” as was the case in my swim scenario
Using Simple Concepts
Younger children/athletes are better off when applying the ‘simple to more complex’ approach. Break down large concepts like “active listening” by simplifying” the meaning. When someone is talking, we want to teach keeping hands, feet, and mouths still, so we don’t interrupt the person talking. For older children, teens, and athletes, we want to teach better ways to ask proper questions and give proper answers with respect.
Teaching Consent
Over the last few years, we all had to rethink about ways to maintain physical boundaries and what’s acceptable in terms of respecting personal space in public. We can teach children from a very young age about personal space and asking for consent or permission. It’s common in kindergarten classrooms nowadays with the rise of the woke culture for children to hug each other. However, it is important at any age to learn to to ask for personal space in a firm way that commands respect, and ways to ask for consent when it comes to physical contact, whether wanting to hug another child or teammate. The same goes for coaches or representatives in sports. If you watched the FIFA Womens World Cup, in Soccer, the ‘kissing on the mouth’ incident by Spain’s Federation Soccer President showed a lack of respect in a public ceremony (the old and traditional myth about women… “like to be kissed!).
Encouragement About Receiving and Giving Respect
Respect is a moral and civil value and like other values has to be developed and taught through positive role modeling. We see many bad behaviours in modern sports nowadays that demonstrate utter disrespect for the opponent, referees, parent fans, or for each other (see previous).
Dr. Gilboa discusses her “Adult Secret Code when teaching older elementary and younger middle school students:. “As an adult, if you meet a child and he/she speaks to you respectfully, you are subconsciously more likely to try and help them get what they need or address their concerns. Teaching a young student or athlete to speak the ‘Adult Secret Code’ turns respect into a game and makes it easier to understand. For example, asking the teacher or coach or an adult how they should be addressed. It can also include ‘standing properly versus slouching’; using proper vocabulary; making eye contact while speaking, listening before speaking or interrupting, asking for permission to answer, etc. Important here is also the proper body language as it indicates more than the spoken word!
I start every season with a personal meeting of my athletes. We discuss how they want to be addressed in training and during competition, after their performance and the timing directly after the event, later that day, or in the next training session.
With the continued indoctrination of young people nowadays, it is important to learn to debate correctly with all gathered facts and to learn to develop acceptance of opposite viewpoints, and to use critical and logical thinking, a process which has to be taught.
References:
TrueSport (2023, September 1). Six small moments to teach respect. Respect and accountability. Retrieved September 27, 2023, from https://truesport.org/respect-accountability/6-ways-small-moments-teachrespect/?utm_source=TrueSport+ eNewsletter&utm_campaign=c6d10ee09b-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_ 2019_01_ 09_ 10_13_COPY_01&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_978107bdf8-c6d1 0ee09b-157998682
Kessel, J. (2019, October 14). Expert series: John Kessel on respect in youth sports. Respect & accountability, video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL5W9pp4GA