Tip of the Month - June 2021
Coach Monika Says…
-Stop Saying… ‘Good Job’… To Your Athletes or Children-
Due to social media’s influence society has for some time turned to ‘lazy language’ use, as I prefer to call it. It has affected parenting communication with children and sport coaching lingo alike. Especially, when it comes to the common phrase ‘Good Job.’ It “drives me up the wall!” What the heck is that supposed to mean? If this is a compliment… then explain what is/was good! If this is meant as constructive feedback in coaching, it misses the point because it is vague, meaningless, and just an empty ‘nothing’ phrase!
I watched some swim events before the pandemic months. The coach was talking to a parent while one of the swimmers was finishing the event. The swimmer stopped by to get feedback and it was (you guessed it) … ‘Good Job!’ However, one of the teammates told the swimmer that the coach had not even observed the swim… and the disgusted look was something else! Respect was lost…‘phony’ coach!
I am using a posted article with modifications by Alexia Dellner, April 20, 2021 “Stop Saying ‘Good Job!’ to Your Kids (and What to Say Instead). She states that parents probably utter the words “good job!” four, five, or you know, ten times a day. Sometimes, they genuinely mean it (“good job, you put your jacket on!”), and sometimes it is just an automatic response.” The parent is thinking “this is pretty harmless stuff, right? I’m only using these words so that my child or athlete feels encouraged, loved and appreciated.” It is interpreted as good parenting. Well, as it turns out, this excessive praise may be doing more harm than good.
Author and lecturer Alfie Kohn lays out five highly compelling reasons parents and coaches should stop using this popular phrase because this type of praise doesn’t actually increase self-esteem, but rather creates more dependency upon the approval of others. In other words, by praising the child for eating, putting on their jacket, or going down the slide, the parent is messing with their intrinsic motivation. The child won’t want to put on the jacket because they are proud that they know how or because it’s the right thing to do – rather they do it because of seeking parental praise. The same applies to coaching. The feedback needs to be specific and precise, constructive and become a learning moment! In addition, saying ‘good job’ tells children or athletes how to feel instead of letting them decide for themselves, something that ultimately causes them to lose interest in what they’re doing.
A study by Mary Budd Rowe, researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses and less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share ideas with other students. According to researchers at Columbia University, children, who were praised for their intelligence as opposed to their efforts, became overly focused on results. Following a failure, these children then showed less enjoyment in future tasks and actually performed worse. Conversely, the children who were praised for their efforts showed more interest in learning, more enjoyment in subsequent activities and achieved better results overall.
How can we lessen this ‘empty phrase’ as a parent or coach while still providing encouragement? Here are some suggestions:
Be Specific– “children don't need to be told ‘good job!’ when they have done something well. It’s self-evident, according to psychologist Jim Taylor. They do need to be told the reason they did well so they can replicate that very behaviour in the future to achieve the same positive outcome.” Instead one could say ‘You picked out your blue sweater from the drawer and you zipped it up all by yourself’ or ….you followed the planned race strategy, which shows a lot of focus on your part!
Focus on Process rather than Outcome– this relates to the Columbia University study and comments on effort versus results. Instead of ‘great job’ say… ‘you must have worked hard to get that 100% score on the test! Or …you achieved your personal best result in this race…what a success and personal effort!
Avoid praising events or factors children or athletes can’t control– this includes intelligence, physical attractiveness, athletic abilities and success. Instead, praise children about what they can control, such as effort, generosity and attitude. If a child is on top of the class in math but the following year might not be, it’s important for future self-worth to know that they are valued whatever the results, and it applies to sports whether athletes are winning or having success or not.
State what is/was observed– “A simple, evaluation-free statement (Wow, you put your shoes on by yourself’ or ‘You did it’) tells the child that you noticed,” writes Kohn. “It also lets them take pride in what they did.” For some situations, you may need to elaborate on your statements (‘Wow, you used a lot of green and purple in your painting!’ Wow, that was a super fast turn on the front crawl! Wow that first lap was a perfect swim … now we have to work to do the same in the second lap!)
Ask Questions. “Allow children or athletes to decide for themselves how they feel about their accomplishments; enable them to reward themselves for their own good actions and then encourage them to internalize what they observed about their own achievement efforts,” writes Taylor.
Thanking for the efforts made– when using the phrase ‘good job’ we’re really trying to show our appreciation for efforts or attempts to complete whatever task. Next time, the child puts clothes or utensils away or an athlete helps to take down the volleyball net without being asked, respond with a warm ‘thank you! That’s our spirit!
References:
Dellner, A. (2021, April 20). Stop Saying ‘Good Job!’ to Your Kids (and What to Say Instead). PureWow. Retrieved June 13, 2021, from https://www.purewow.com/family/what-to-say-to-kids-instead-of-good-job.
Schloder, ME. (2020, August). NCCP Module: Planning a practice. Additional Notes for NCCP Home Study Supervision. Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Schloder, ME. (2020, August). NCCP Module: Teaching and learning. Additional Notes for NCCP Home Study Supervision. Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Schloder, ME. (2019). Parents and children in sport. Guest lecture. Calgary, Alberta Canada.
Taylor, J. (2009, September 3). Parenting: Don't praise your children! "Good job!" is the worst kind of praise. Psychology Today. Retrieved June 13, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-dont-praise-your-children